Fall 2005

Letter to the Owner

Dear Dogs and Cats,

• When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
• The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
• The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
• Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
• I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used, is nothing but sarcasm.
• Oh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
• For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years without help--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
• The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' rears. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
• The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper. . .not habit paper!
• And finally, I do not need your help driving the car; never mind what you saw on television!

Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Your Owner

Fall 2004

Cat Myths

We cats have tolerated the proliferation of 'myth-information' for many years and we do not like it. At the risk 'letting the cat out of the bag,' we must dispel some illusions.

• MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light they gather during the day.
  FACT: Baloney. How can we gather daylight when our eyes are closed sleeping all day?
• MYTH: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is coming.
  FACT: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is here. The whiskers are wet.
• MYTH: If you want to keep a cat from straying, put butter on its paws.
  FACT: I won't stray because you won't be here to open the door. You will be in the hospital as a result of your attempt to butter my paws.
• MYTH: If a cat sneezes near a bride on her wedding day she will have a happy marriage.
  FACT: 4-in-5 marriages end in divorce. Not a lot of sneezing going on, huh? Maybe they ought to rewrite that one to read 'coughs up a hairball'.
• MYTH: Stepping over a cat brings bad luck.
  FACT: Actually, worse luck. It exposes your most vulnerable areas just in case you miss and step on us.
• MYTH: Cats suck the breath from babies.
  FACT: We don't 'suck the breath.' Cats enjoy baby breath as much as humans. If you had a choice between a baby's breath and the Big Owner's breath, which would you choose?
• MYTH: Cats always land on their feet.
  FACT: So explain the bumps on my head.
• MYTH: A cat has nine lives.
  FACT: Well, okay, that one is true. I happen to have a can of it sitting right in front of me. Now, if I could only get someone to open it for me!

Spring 2004

Why a woman should choose a dog . . . and not a man

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
A dog can shed without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothing shops . . . and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will trot faithfully at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumors starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig in the garden.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs whine less.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket of water over them.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just natural predatory instinct.
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a floppy-eared dog than a floppy-eared man.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
You can buy a choke chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well groomed.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dogs do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
Saggy skin and a hangdog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.

Fall 2003

The Truth about Cats and Dogs

• Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
• Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
• An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
• If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
• People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Winter 2003

Cat Laws Of Physics

• Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
• Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
• Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
• Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
• Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
• Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
• Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
• Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
• First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
• Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
• Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
• Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
• Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
• Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
• Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
• Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of t he furniture.
• Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
• Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
• Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
• Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
• Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
• Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
• Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
• Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.
• Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

Spring 2002

Dogs' Letters to God

• Dear God,

  How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

• Dear God,

  When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

• Dear God,

  Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! How about renaming the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

• Dear God,

  If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

• Dear God,

  Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

• Dear God,

  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

• Dear God,

  When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

• Dear God,

  We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

• Dear God,

  Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

• Dear God,

  Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

• Dear God,

  When I get to heaven, may I please have my testicles back?

Summer 2001

Cat Haiku

Winter 2000

Quotes about dogs and cats

• "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." Aldous Huxley
• "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." Anonymous
• "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." Gene Hill
• "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." Jeff Valdez
• "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." Dave Barry
• "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia" Joseph Krutch
• "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around 3 times before lying down." Robert Benchley
• "My husband said it was him or the cat...I miss him sometimes." Unknown
• "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx
• "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." Anonymous
• "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." Unknown
• "Near this spot, are deposited the Remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices." Lord Byron's epitaph

Spring 1998

New dog breeds being developed

• Collie + Lhasa Apso → Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
• Spitz + Chow Chow →; Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
• Bloodhound + Borzoi → Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
• Pointer + Setter → Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
• Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier → Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund → Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso → Peekasso, an abstract dog.
• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel → Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever → Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
• Newfoundland + Basset Hound → Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
• Terrier + Bulldog → Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
• Bloodhound + Labrador → Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
• Collie + Malamute → Commute, a dog that travels to work.
• Deerhound + Terrier → Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
• Bull Terrier + Shih tzu → Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
• Malamute + Pointer → Moot Point, owned by. . .oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.